Ego boost of the day.

Brains!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

You are smarter than Cameron Diaz.

In a recent New York Times interview meant to promote her new MTV show "Trippin'" Cameron Diaz puts on her activist hat. The obvious contempt that the writer of said article has for her is, well, fucking great if you ask me.

Observe:

"There was no chance of frontin,' " Ms. Diaz said, meaning that protective masks had to come down. She noted how often she and her guests allowed themselves to look ridiculous, uncoordinated and unwashed. "All the pimples!" she squealed. "Hello, hello, pimples."

Another choice bit:

"Ms. Diaz also asserts that only outside the big cities can she dramatize the larger concepts that unite all cultures and all creatures. In every episode, she dwells on excrement, both for laughs and for edification."

I really highly recommend reading the entire thing. It's wonderful.

Also, stereogum has the Ted Leo cover of "Since You've Been Gone" up. Can't tell whether I think it's alright or whether I should, I dunno, hit him with a rolled up newspaper and rub his nose in it.

Aw, I could never do that to Ted Leo. Who am I kidding...

Also...

Not right. That is not right.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I kinds just wanted to take the time to shamelessly beg for comments on here since they're always very exciting.

Pimp.

He's stoned, isn't he?
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So these pictures of Bill Gates are funny enough. But, ladies, doesn't he look an awful lot like "Cooper" from "Center Stage?" To illustrate:



I stole this, and a whole bunch of photos, actually, from Snopes, which has helped me stay work-free tonight.

I highly reccomend checking out the see-through toilet (a really cool piece of art, actually) and the thing about the Rescuers which, believe it or not, is actually true! And we've been wasting all this time with the phallic tower on The Little Mermaid video.

And this is Tim in a dress.

Work it.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I need the gayest grain alcohol I can find.

Don't turn around.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

And so it's time to wallow in our collective dispair, shame, nausea and self-loathing on this, the morning after Sager (non-swatties: it's a men-in-dresses kind of party). As it turns out, my male friends all have killer legs. Also, photos of me wearing lipstick are troubling to say the least. Gah. (Note that they are not included on here...)

The New York Post had a pretty time appropriate gossip note about "42 Below," a vodka from New Zealand which...well, I have a hangover. How about I just post the actual article:

"March 27, 2005 -- THE owners of hipster vodka 42 Below are at war with Chelsea hotspot Brite Bar after it decided to boycott the brand. Brite Bar owner John Libonati refused to stock the vodka, which is from New Zealand, because of what he viewed as shameless pandering to the gay market on the company's Web site. In response, Libonati received a nasty e-mail from Below 42 president James Dale. "Hello [bleep]face," Dale wrote. "If you are suggesting that we are anti-gay, then speak to my [bleep]in' hand, you fool. At least four of the people on our team are gay and one of our best accounts in NYC is Lucky Cheng's. Perhaps you are a redneck homophobe who wants to feel important. We would never let your sorry arse [bleep, bleep] bar carry 42 Below anyway. So there, [bleep]head." Libonati, who notes he is gay and opened the bar with his boyfriend, tells us Dale is a "complete jackass." Friends of Libonati have since forwarded the Dale e-mail to bar owners all over town."

I decided to check out the "shameless pandering" for myself, and so can you.

I guess I can see the "hipster" part, but not too much "gay" going on. I mean, there's this retarded video they made of the "History of 42Below" which actually just seems kinda racist...

Now, if you're really looking for some G-A-Y liquor, may I direct your attention to "Cabana Boy" Rum.

The bottle design is as ridiculous as the web site, but oh man, that cabana boy makes some tasty and affordable coconut rum.

Before I go, can I just quote a bit from the 42 Below website? This is from the "Vodka University" section:

Vodka University was set up by 42 BELOW in an effort to educate people about how vodka isn't just some nasty booze that tastes like rocket fuel and keeps Russians happy enough to go to work every day, and also to drum it into their heads that 42 BELOW is a really exclusive premium vodka - which is important because we've priced ourselves way out of the reach of your run of the mill cossack miner. In fact the only people in Russia who could afford to drink 42 BELOW will be happily drinking your product one minute and then out of nowhere they'll start waving guns around andd we'd just as soon stay the hell away from them.

Make it a Lundgren Night.

It's Jesus time!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Well, it's Friday again, and that means it's time for me to propose yet another ridiculous plan for the evening that will inevitably (and rightly so in most cases) be rejected.

So here it is. Bust out the swedish meatballs and protein shake daiquiris. I submit for the approval of the Midnight Society: The Dolph Lundgren Film Festival.

Why Dolph?
- A life full of acheivement: he was accepted to MIT...AND was engaged to Grace Jones at one point. Imagine dating Grace Jones. That would be terrifying.
- His movies are, on the whole, utterly ridiculous.
- Why the hell not?


1. Johnny Mnemonic
In this fine film Dolph plays, to perfection I might add, an assassin/cyberpunk/Jesus look-a-like (complete with a sword in the shape of a cross - see photo on right). His catchphrase in this movie is "It's Jesus time!" - I kid you not.

2. Masters of the Universe

Okay, my love for this movie has already been thoroughly documented. Scenes like the one pictured here speak for themselves.

This movie gives you the satisfaction of know that, YES, this MUST have been what the filmmakers intended. You aren't just being a 12 year old boy and reading too much into the movie just so that you can make some flimsy naughty joke. No, this movie lets it all hang out, so to speak.

3. Rocky IV

At least just watch the training montage in this movie - it's one of the best ever made - writing a description that could do it justice would just take too long. It's Rocky vs. Communism here, and it is WONDERFUL. The cherry on top of this propaganda sundae is that Rocky's family inexplicably has a robot. You know, robots fucking HATE communism.

Well, he's got balls, I'll give him that.

Revenge of the Pineapple-Head.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

From the New York Post:

"STRANGE BUT TRUE

Mary-Kate Olsen has emerged from hiding to hit Chelsea hot spot Bungalow 8, but she might regret it.

Last Saturday, she was accosted by Counting Crowes lead singer Adam Duritz, who plopped at her table to chat her up.

"It was like child beauty and the beast. Ew!" said one horrified onlooker, who watched while the Chia Pet-head tried his luck with the young girl.

The hair-challenged Duritz has famously dated hot stars like Jennifer Aniston. Last week, he was more successful at Glamour's party for Meg Ryan, where he was inexplicably accosted by female fans."

No further comment necessary on that one, I think. I don't really have much to say lately - been watching lots of Seinfeld reruns and avoiding work. I've decided that I'm really enjoying the reading for my Classical Lit. in Translation course, even if I hate the class itself. Usually I only have this type of revelation while cramming for finals, so this could be a postitive development I think. See, my life is boring. I'm so sorry.

Well, not that boring. The Blarney Stone Quizzo's special round tonight will be on BOTH Bill & Ted movies. I smell a free case of beer in our future, and that's never bad.

Back in the saddle again.

What kind of drugs do you have to be on for this to be a good idea?
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Believe it or not, I don't have access to the internet at home, hence the lack of blog updates.

Not much to say today - haven't had the time to seriously devote to finding hard hitting news stories like that crackhead goat killing thing from last week. Should I just do more celebrity/Masters of the Universe comparisons?

That picture to the right here is of Anna Nicole "do you like mah' body" Smith's back. Trust me, that's her. So she has a tattoo...of herself...as a mermaid...a TOPLESS mermaid...on her back. I wish more than anything that I could somehow put one of her trimspa ads on here. Do yah' like maw-nay?



Along the same lines, I miss the days of Kirstie Alley just being the impossibly coked out "I'm-embarassed-just-watching-her" spokeswoman for Pier 1 Imports. Why did she have to start owning her obesity? Now everywhere I look there's something about her being fat, and wow she's fat, and she is proud of her big ass, and jesus christ. Just go away. Go away, Kirstie Alley. Your ass is boring no matter what size it is. I hate 'Look Whos Talking.' I just had to say that.

Finally, apparently everyone's favorite walking stereotypes are going to be making over the Red Sox. Luckily Johnny Damon's hair is apparently "under contract" to not be touched until his new book hits stores. Thank god. We need Jesus on our team, god dammit, not just some dude with frosted tips and a razor cut.

It's go time.

Yeah, well my mom could STILL kick her mom's ass.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

You know that feeling that you get when you wake up in the morning knowing that you have to write a 10 page paper on the "Xenaverse?"

Well, now I do.

Also, craigslist is as intriguing as always. I could be a good "ghost writer," no?

Well, I may actually have to side with the Patriarchy on this one.

I blame YOU, Michel!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So, while looking through the table of contents for "Feminist Television Criticism: A Reader" I came across, well, a thing of genius.

"The Ideology of Freshness in Feminine Hygiene Commercials" by Kate Kane.

This may be the best essay title I have ever come across. (There isn't even a colon - this title is too good for that. It doesn't any goddamned crutch.)

While I don't have time right now to read the entire article (oh, but I will...no, I mean it, it actually looks pretty interesting), this sentence seems to sum it up the general tone pretty well:

"Feminine hygiene commercials are powerful weapons in an ideological battle for control of women's sexuality. The ideology of freshness is crucial to that battle."

But...But...I don't WANNA be a yuppie!

But, mom, I don't WANT to be a yuppie!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Alright, so maybe Boston actually is kinda lame.

I'm going back to Boston, in fact, for spring break, and what says "SPRING BREAK!" better than "26 degrees, Mostly Cloudy!?"

I have to admit that this hurts extra bad since all my swat friends are heading down to sunny Florida next week. I'm coping with this in a number of ways:

a) Reminding myself that I hate both the heat and being outdoors.

b) Remembering the fact that I still haven't gotten on the ball with job applications. Visualizing myself unemployed this time next year, chain smoking in the basement and watching an "I'm ambivalent about the '60s" marathon on VH1...it helps keep my level of motivation up. I also wish I could show you guys a picture of my Dad's "disappointed" face - that shit cuts deep, man.

c) Anticipating how much free stuff I'm going to get at home. Hooray! At home everything is free: laundry, school supplies, replacement cell phone adapters...

d) Appreciating the fact that I'm saving a buttload of cash.

e) Accepting bets for who is going to "go wild" first.

I've also been looking on the internet to see what Boston has to offer these days.

First of all, Boston.com has this strange "nightlife" slide show where they show you unflattering photos of everyday yuppies getting shitfaced. (I included two photos from said slideshow on today's blog entry - did you notice?). As if I needed another goddamned reason to never want to grow up.



Secondly, "The TD BankNorth Garden?!?" Is that for real? Hardly rolls off the tongue. Not sure, but I may actually prefer the "Derek Jeter Center" over that shit...okay I only kind of mean that. What about calling it the "Big Ole Whore Garden" - at least that sounds like someplace people would like to visit.

Also, thankyou Boston.com for the headline: "Police say men butchered goat for crack."

And finally, what would you guess is the big new show at Boston Museum of Fine Arts? "Speed, Style & Beauty: Cars from the Ralph Lauren Collection."

What.

The.

Hell.

Call me an elitist, call me ignorant, but fucking cars?!...no, no, fucking RALPH LAUREN'S cars?! I mean, god forbid they were some NOBODY'S cars.



I just don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I suppose it's justified, and I guess exhibiting one type of commodity that only rich people can afford is no different than exhibiting another (paintings, for instance), but...but...CARS?!

Then again, the discussion in my last art history class was on how museums and exhibition practice in general is an act of colonialization and blah blah blah, so I don't know shit anymore. I don't know anything about anything.

Wait. I do know that this thing is funny.

Limping towards spring break

The Return of Pineapple-Head.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I really regret not having the time to do a proper post about the Oscars, but time is precious these days.

What this means is that I spend half my time frantically working in a state of total panic, while the other half is absolutely pissed away - i.e. deleting music off of my computer, searching for things on ebay, imdb'ing cartoons from the '80s...lot of staring at the wall...you know, that weirdly compulsive yet decidedly un-fun variety of procrastination.

Adding to the general feeling of weirdness these days is the fact that I read an article that almost succeeded in making me like Halle Berry - well, at least for a moment or two.

Did I already mention that this fucker's hair is fake?

Looking for validation in all the wrong places.

Huzzah!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Also just wanted to mention that this site has now had over 500 hits! Thank-YOU Dragostea Din Tei kid for leading so many random college students to my cold and unwelcoming doorstep.

Hell, thy name is poor time management.

Guston gets it.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

If only there was some way I could convey a screaming hissy fit in blog form.

There is absolutely no reason in hell that I should be up this goddamn late writing a paper (5am and counting). Unfortunately the rest of the week promises to be one all-nighter after another, so tomorrow may be just the right time to re-stock the ibuprofin and diet coke supplies.

Who am I kidding...Mountain Dew. This will be a Mountain Dew week. I need all the buzz I can get - plus that tangy flavor adds an extra masochistic element to the experience. I want to feel as nauseous as possible when I'm forgoing sleep to write sub-par essays.

Oh well, I feel as if to justify the bitching I should post at least ONE amusing thing. Someone recently drew my attention to the fact that it was possible to bid on ebay for the right to name the Fleet Center for a day. Unfortunately, the winner of said auction happened to be a Yankees fan who wanted to name it "the Derek Jeter Center."

The final outcome of this unpleasant situation?

Derek Jeter's name, according to the city of Boston, is officially "vulgar" and "obscene." Damn right.