More free time well spent.

So you wake up with a bandage around your face...and your tongue is missing!
Then...

"The Harvester" arrives! Oh no!

He has an electric hand! That totally sucks!

You're up shit creek now! There are lightning bolts coming out of your eyes! It really hurts!
This could only happen in the...

"Break me a fucking give"

Darth Tater.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So it's been a while since my last update - sorry about that. Things have been pretty crazy around here. Amongst other things, I lost more money than I should have playing roulette in Atlantic City, thrilled myself retarded at Six Flags, and went on a booze crooze that proved to me once and for all that no amount of liquor can make Camden NJ seem "scenic."

Quick note about Six Flags: Kingda Ka, the "tallest, fastes roller coaster in the world" was, luckily, not open that day. The reason was that it can't run when there is ANY threat of rain because, apparently, at 140 mph a drop of rain can cause "painful welts." I am NEVER riding that goddamned thing EVER. HELL NO.

So there's so much to report. Tomorrow I'll probably do the entry on "The Stand" which I've been dying to do since Sunday, when Brian and I inexplicably watched the entire 6 hour movie in one sitting. Insanity.



I do just quickly want to draw your attention to the New Yorker review of Revenge of the Sith, which is just fantastically bitchy. I love bitchy movie reviews. Some excerpts:

Mind you, how Padmé got pregnant is anybody’s guess, although I’m prepared to wager that it involved Anakin nipping into a broom closet with a warm glass jar and a copy of Ewok Babes. After all, the Lucasian universe is drained of all reference to bodily functions. Nobody ingests or excretes. Language remains unblue. Smoking and cursing are out of bounds, as is drunkenness, although personally I wouldn’t go near the place without a hip flask.

No, the one who gets me is Yoda. May I take the opportunity to enter a brief plea in favor of his extermination? Any educated moviegoer would know what to do, having watched that helpful sequence in “Gremlins” when a small, sage-colored beastie is fed into an electric blender... “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose,” he says. Hold on, Kermit, run that past me one more time. If you ever got laid (admittedly a long shot, unless we can dig you up some undiscerning alien hottie with a name like Jar Jar Gabor), and spawned a brood of Yodettes, are you saying that you’d leave them behind at the first sniff of danger? Also, while we’re here, what’s with the screwy syntax? Deepest mind in the galaxy, apparently, and you still express yourself like a day-tripper with a dog-eared phrase book. “I hope right you are.” Break me a fucking give.

Also, be sure not to miss this.

Fox, I finally forgive you for Christina Applegate.

Everybody dance like there's ass in your pants!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Huzzah! Arrested Development is not cancelled!

To celebrate I suggest reading this absolutely amazing thing David Cross wrote for Pitchfork. To give you an idea of what is in store:

Hi, I was a somewhat surprised that Pitchforkmedia.com would ask me to participate in this. Here's why:

"The devastating paradox of David Cross' pre-recorded comedy: Is it funny that everything Cross says is nauseatingly smug, yelped out in smarmy, supercilious prose? Or is David Cross just a giant fucking asshole?"

He goes on to essentially tear pitchfork a new one on an epic scale...I mean, you really can't go back to reading their album reviews afterwards. Well done, indeed.

I was just talking to a friend today about seanbaby.com and realized that there still may be people out there who haven't been there, so let me do my part to recitfy that. The video game section is really the only one that I've spent any time at, but it is fantastic. Be sure to check out the "crapstravaganza" for a pretty hysterical list of the worst video games of all time.

Let Phyllis Diller scream it from the mountaintops!

And in only four years!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I am officially done! All my work is finished and all signs point to me finally graduating and becoming nothing more than just another Art History B.A. with a kick-ass receptionist job. Finally.

Until then, two weeks of debauchery! Cheers, Phyllis!

Tell me something I don't know, BBC.

I'm not posting one of the many pictures of me drunk - because they're embarrassing and this is my goddamned blog.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Telling. It would definitely explain why this paper I'm writing is total crap.

Sudden inexplicable syphilis outbreak at the University of Nebraska...

You can check out the rest of NBC's stellar summer lineup here. I know I'm tivo'ing "I Want to Be a Hilton."

At least the other networks aren't just doing half-assed reality shows that make C-list celebrities jump through hoops to get exposure...

Fuck this fucking bull shit.

Would you be surprised if I told you that Cocteau was an opium addict?
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I'm writing my last college research paper, and it's about Cocteau's "Le Sang d'un Poéte."

I think that this picture pretty much sums up what the movie (oh, excuse me, the "cinamatographic poem") is like.

WWCBD?

Get down from there you damn hippie.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

The day that follows an all night balls-to-the-wall paper writing marathon is always just terrible. It's especially bad when that particular day absolutely has to be used to start researching another paper. Trust me, kids, I am going to be sloppy drunk on Monday night.

All the funny I really have to contribute today is the following (from Entertainment Weekly):

"I think I'll have to plead the fifth on that."
- Natalie Portman's response to being asked about whether or not George Lucas writes convincing romantic dialogue.

Best I can do - after all, I am officially an empty husk of a human being at this point.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Katie Holmes' herpes, just go do that right now.

And be sure to dropkick The Faint while you're at it.

Sha-MON.

Subtle.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So I'm taking a break from writing my last art history paper at Swat (which, for someone who is planning on going to grad school for this stuff, I'm way too happy about).

Now, in an ideal world I would be able to just post the Michael Jackson "Ghost" video and let it speak for itself, but I'm stuck just showing you guys some screen shots. For the complete collection just click on any of these photos and check out the "Ghost" photo album on my flickr account.

For some background, this is a music video that Michael Jackson made relatively recently which doesn't really have any discernable song featured in it.

The basic plot is as follows:

There's a group of parents with their young boys who are carrying torches to Michael Jackson's scary mansion. They're being led by Michael Jackson dressed as a fat middleaged white guy. The dialogue at the gate is as follows:

Little Boy #1: Why don't we just leave him alone?
Little Boy #2: He hasn't hurt anybody! Can't we just go?
Little Boy #3: [to boy #2] It's your fault, jerk. You just couldn't keep your mouth shut.
Mother: You did the right thing.
Michael Jackson as middle aged guy: He's a weirdo. There's no place in this town for weirdos.

So, moving on...

They go inside. The parents are in awe of MJ, so they start apologizing. Then he decides to scare them with funny faces for some reason. His funny faces are...well...see for youself...


Entirely without the use of prosthetics, I assume. Anyhow, what really makes this great is that, repeatedly, whenever the townsfolk get scared they keep cutting to the little boys inexplicably removing their parents' hands from their shoulders. Observe:

There's the requisite zombie dance:

Which is interrupted by alot of weirdly extended Michael Jackson primal screaming:

And a good old fashioned Zombie stomp...that lasts a good 5 or 10 minutes.

And now I realize that I have definitely spent too much time on this and need to get back to work. Trust me that it's so much more hilarious and ridiculous, nay, redonkulous than I can possibly convey in blog form, but, well, this is the best I can do under the circumstances...

Anyhow, back to work.

Cheer up - it's almost over.

Yeah, that's Johnny Cash.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Finals are so depressing. I did, however, download Johnny Cash's guest appearance on the muppet show and felt like I needed to spread the love.

This is him finishing up a duet of "Jackson" with Miss Piggy.

See, the world isn't so terrible...

Memories of Freshman Year

The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, can't-sleep-naturally-because-of-stress medicine.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I was reminded recently of a particularly funny episode from my first and, I hardly need add, most disasterous finals period here at Swat.

On second thought, "disasterous" is being kind - the entire thing ended with me downing a bottle of No-Doz, eventually realizing that I would NEVER understand quantum mechanics, calling my parents at 4 in the morning strung out out of my mind ("Mom, Dad, will you still love me if I fail out of college!?") and then talking my way into a passing grade my exploiting my Physics' professors' love of Magritte. And they say art history isn't useful...

Luckily, my friend Jackie held on to one of the more choice relics from this period of my life: my e-mail correspondance with Vicks. I tried to clean up the formatting a bit, but don't let that fool you. This shit is real. However, I would like to emphasize that it's a joke - I think that most of you who read this probably already know me and, consequently, know that I'm not a NyQuil addict or anything - the rest of you will probably have to take my word for it.

Gentlemen...BEHOLD:

From: vicks.im@pg.com
Date: Mon, 17 Dec 2001 10:03:45 -0500
To: aronan1@swarthmore.edu
Subject: Re: Message from Vicks Website

Hi Anne.

Thanks for contacting us. We appreciate your comments about Vicks NyQuil but it should not be used as a sleep aid nor should it be used after your cold symptoms are gone. All of our Vicks products are safe when used as directed but this means package instructions need to be followed.

Gary
USA Vicks Team

Internet Mail Message
Received from host: [206.128.187.190]
[206.128.187.190]

From: aronan1@swarthmore.edu on 12/17/2001 08:26 AM GMT

aronan1@swarthmore.edu To: Ion Vicks-IM/PGI
Cc:
Subject: Message from Vicks Website
12/17/2001 03:26 AM


Country = UNITED STATES
EMail = aronan1@swarthmore.edu
Content = "Dearest Vicks,
I would just like to thank you for making such fine NyQuil related products. Without NyQuil, and the way that it makes me fall asleep while fully clothed in public areas I don't know how I would have survived this final exam period.

My personal favorite is Red, but why no other flavors? I, for one, would like to mix and match, perhaps mix a cocktail of apple and cranberry NyQuil, or a lovely citrus blend.

Even after my cold went away two months ago, I still find that NyQuil is a refreshing alternative to natural sleep patterns. By becoming completely nocturnal I am able to be free of distraction and do much more work than the average college student. Without NyQuil this would not be possible.

Thank you and God bless.
Sincerely,
Anne Ronan"

Can I also just add quickly that Jackie is amazing?

Man hands!

Now, what you're saying is that you have the power to morph into a man at any moment...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So we just watched a bootleg of "The Amityville Horror" tonight (cue RIAA gestapo) and noticed something rather peculiar:

In this rather superfluous dinner scene where two of the main characters are talking about how committed they are to one another...

...how do I put this...

...there's this cut where the woman suddenly becomes RIDICULOUSLY BUFF.

I've included a before picture and and after picture to demonstrate. This was by far the scariest part of the movie.



To continue on this Michael Jackson kick I seem to be on lately, we also decided to watch his recent video Ghosts which is about 2 hours (or so it seems) of blissfull and terrifying mind fuckage. More on this tomorrow, certainly.

Oh! And what exactly do you think "Don Rickles Bacteria" is, and why does it cost $8.75?

(this link shamelessly stolen from these guys)

I don't think that I was actually ready for "The Lost Boys."

You've been to Neverland Ranch too?
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I have to confess to being just a little bit shocked that the only copy of "Deep Blue Sea" at out local Blockbuster had already been taken out. "Sphere" was also missing. "Moonwalker" no where to be found. I didn't even bother trying to find "Brain Damage." As Brian put it, "you have to get up pretty early in the morning to get your irony on in Springfield, PA."

The store did, however, have a copy of the movie "I Accidentally Domed Your Son" - that's not a typo. Apparently "domed" is now a word. Kids today...

We ended up with "Saw," "Congo," and "The Lost Boys."

"The Lost Boys" has the most terrifyingly bad costume design I've ever seen in my life! I tried to get a picture of this one vampire kid's mullet - I mean, it was breath taking.



Also, there's this hilarious concert scene where the show onstage is this greased up body builder in purple spandex pants, what looks like a diamond necklace, and this pony tail...I mean, wow, this is just one picture, and it really can't capture the essence of how utterly rediculous the entire thing is.



However, after the movie we did manage to find this guy's website - or at least a bizarrely comprehensive fansite. What the hell? He used to be Tina Turner's keyboardest and I'm not entirely sure if that explains everything, or just deepens the mystery of it all. I mean, even back in the 80s people knew this guy was a crime against humanity, right? RIGHT?

No news is good news, I suppose.

Hahahahaha
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Earlier I made a post about how apparently there was a new German cannibal who copycatted that other German cannibal, but I got the links wrong and then couldn't find the frigging thing again. Oh well, like you care.

I'm currently finishing up a really poor quality essay on Ovid's Metamorphoses. I am also officially just burnt the fuck out.

I need to try and rent "Moonwalker" this weekend. I bet it's hilarious.

This is pretty funny. God bless you, Boston.com, and your sad little slideshows.

What White House interns are up to under the Bush administration.

Spotty's dead now, actually. That's true.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So today I had to take a final in Cyberculture...which went alright I suppose. I also had a rather scary/reassuring talk with a former professor about graduate school, where she told me that taking a year off to "dick around and read alot of books" actually sounded like "the best plan possible." Awesome.

So part of my exam today was to write an essay on the White House homepage - which reminded me of one of my personal favorite spots on the web...ever:

The White House Online - FOR KIDS!

Specifically I love the INSANELY COMPREHENSIVE catalogs of photos of Barney, the Bush's dog. The photo caption "Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is greeted by President George W. Bush and Barney upon the Prime Minister's arrival monday..." is just a classic.

But even that can't compare to "Barney Reloaded" (which you can watch here). It's a movie about Barney which, and I'm not kidding, actually features Karl Rove, Andy Card, Judge Gonzales ("I cannot judge where to hang this wreath!"), Ari Fleischer, Laura Bush and, oh yes, the big man himself...amongst others.

It is HILARIOUS. Go see it - NOW!

Also for my exam we had to write an essay on this piece of "new media." No, this thing is not a joke - but it does still make me laugh.



Also, today in the New York Times I saw a pretty hilarious article about how apparently parents actually DO care more for attractive children!

"When it came to buckling up, pretty and ugly children were treated in starkly different ways, with seat belt use increasing in direct proportion to attractiveness."

Finally, I should just mention that this weekend I saw "The Neverending Story" for the first time (scary scary shit) and found this recent interview with the guy who played Atreju. He actually seems like a nice enough guy, but "has alot of tattoos" should not be listed as biographical info on IMDB...child stars have it rough, man.


Oh, and Hitchhiker's Guide ROCKED.