How the hell am I going to graduate?

Blur doesn't deserve a video this good.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I'm not sure which is worse - the fact that I have a hangover this morning that could kill a pony, or that I just had my last class at Swarthmore (Classical Lit, crappy as usual)...The combination of the two is a bit of a doozy, I have to say, and the sunny weather isn't really helping. I want to eat some soup, go to bed and sleep away the pain.

I also have a paper due in, oh, about 4 hours which I am just in no state to tackle right now. So, instead, I'm doing something incredibly productive: updating the blog.

Hitchhiker's Guide got a good review in the New York Times, which is exciting. Also, I just found out that the director is the same guy responsible for one of my favorite music videos of all time, Blur's "Coffee & TV." I like this video so much, in fact, that a few years back it convinced me to buy the best of Blur on cd...and yet, even in spite of the fact that this video is responsible for me essentially pissing $30 down the toilet, I STILL like it - it's just that good.

You can watch this video and other stuff by these guys here. As for me, I'm going to get some Gatorade and try to power through the day.

Neighborhoodies, will you just please stop being so lame?

The guys at the comic book store are NEVER going to believe this!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So, another neighborhoodies ad. I'm sorry. I can't help myself.

Just imagine, though, seeing this guy in real life. At a bar...in the grocery store...walking down the street...you just KNOW that you would immediately either:

a) Turn to a companion and make the wide-eyed "Look! A loser! Quickly, before he gets away! We need to both notice what a loser he is!" face.

b) (In the absence of any such companion), simply laugh at the poor bastard on your own, and make a mental note that later you should tell people that you saw someone who looked like Stephen Tobolowski wearing a sweatshirt that not only says "CRUNKED" but had a gun on it...

-oh! And that HE MADE HIMSELF! It would be one thing to wear a found CRUNKED shirt, but making your own? Especially when you're that guy?

In other news, yet again I wish that I was Norwegian. For reading week this year I have a final exam, a big presentation to give to my art history class at the PMA, and 3 papers due. Swarthmore does NOT fucking get the whole "reading week" concept.

That's it, I'm done with America.

Father's Day IS coming up, after all...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

"Awesome lifetime finish! Drop forged in the USA!"

What they don't say on the website is that if you buy more than 2 sets of bumper nuts you get a free limited edition (leather bound!) copy of Gender Trouble and a signed glossy of Susan Bordo.

What a lovely poop hole!

Ahhhh!!!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Brian and I have recently been trying to convince our friend Tim to move to Boston with us next year, to share our dream of drinking luke warm bottles of high life on the porch of a Somerville triple decker...

However, as of late, a "teach English in Korea" program has started trying to recruit him, bombarding him with e-mails, seducing him with visions of self-improvement, etc etc.

So I decided that, to fight back, I would post on this here blog about Korean bathrooms, assuming, like the ignorant fuck that I am, that toilets abroad, if not actually more repulsive than American bathrooms, are different enough to at least seem a bit scary to your average traveler.

Observe, for instance, "the German poop shelf."


As it turns out, however, Korean public bathrooms have quite the reputation. Fountains, moats, classical music, skylights, an "etiquette bell" in women's restrooms to drown out "other noises"

...according to Sim Jae-douk, the mayor of the Korean city of Suwon, "the toilet is not only for the organic system...the toilet can be a part of culture which we can proudly present, not only to Korean but to the rest of the world."

So I stand corrected.

I also found this website with "toilets of the world." Aside from being interesting and whatnot, you just can't help but wonder what kind of guy the webmaster is in real life...

And if you want to continue today's toilet themed browsing adventure, visit this, the most depressing website I've seen in a while, and check out this art project proposal which is kind of like Christo, only slightly suckier.

We have a winner.

BRIAN: Lon Cheney
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Congratulations, Brian!

Deciding on a winner was tough as hell (hence the delay), but there's just something about Lon Cheney...animal magnetism perhaps...

Kudos to all of the other nominees. The emperor from Star Wars does, indeed, look EXACTLY like the new pope, as does a young stoned-looking Bill Murray weirdly enough. The biggest surprise was definitely Charles "strong men also cry" Durning, though. Uncanny.

So, Brian, your fabulous prize is on its way...and what is that prize, you may ask?

THE CHEAPEST BOTTLE OF BOURBON I CAN FIND!

Yee-haw.

Thanks again to all those who participated in the contest - hope you're not that pissed off that there isn't a medium-sized bottle of Kentucky Gentleman in your future, but life is a cruel bitch sometimes.

I'll be back tomorrow with normal Swarthbore-esque content, but, until then, download this song. It's by "Final Fantasy" (of "peach plum pear" cover fame) and is awfully good.

Attack of the shitty internet ads!

You know, I bet her blog is sexy, too.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Internet ads suck, but often hilariously so. Lately there have been a couple which I have found especially funny.

1. Pamela Anderson for Friendster: I mean, just read it - it speaks for itself. Also, what does friendster have to do with books? How badly has thefacebook fucked these guys over?

2. "The New Generation of Smileys:" This smily is from some banner ad that I always always see where they have these animated smiley faces and this one just disturbs me so much. What possible conversation could you be having where you absolutely need the "Smallpox Smiley?"



3. Rob Thomas: Apparently he's not dead. I just am amused by that for some reason.

Keep 'em coming!

Ha HA Mua ha ha ha HA!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Thanks to all those who have already submitted to the contest!

I'm setting up a photo set in my flickr account with which you can view the nominees as they come in and, if you want, put down some comments. Judging by how many comments I get on the actual blog, though, I'm not expecting much.

You can view my flickr account by clicking on any of the photos on this website.

Since I already arbitrarily set the deadline for Sunday morning, I'll stick by that. So, come on, please send in an entry and you, too, may win the fabulous and as-yet-undetermined prize.

As for what this prize may be...well...I have some ideas...

Damn, now I'll never get to be a preist.

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

First ever Swarthbore Contest! Winner gets a prize, swear to god. Not sure what the prize will be yet (no, it won't be my hamster...but the idea is tempting), but even if you're not here at Swat, I'll send it in the mail or something. I'll stand by this prize thing.

So the task at hand is this:

Who does the new pope remind you of?

Find a picture of someone who bears a hilariously uncanny resemblence to il papa and I'll make it worth your while.

E-mail me the photo (and your name if I don't know who you are - as if that's at all likely) and I'll post the nominees up here on my way to mass on Sunday morning.

My e-mail address is aronan1@swarthmore.edu, by the way.

Come on, you're all funny people. Make me feel inadequate, god dammit.

If no one submits anything, then this here blog is turning into a livejournal type affair and I'm going to start using emotocons. Lots and lots of emotocons.

Luck o' the Irish

Ratzinger's a possibility, but Scola at 20-1 might be some sweet action...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Dylan directed me to this fine website where (finally) you can place bets on the following:

The next pope
The next pope's papal name
No. of days to choose the next pope

etc.

It's all on "Paddy Power" - Dylan, why were you browsing around Paddy Power?

Sears, you have been bested.

Tides of Yule
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

To explain:

Groups of seniors can have half of a page in the yearbook to make a collage. We decided to make a Sears Portrait Studio style christmas card - complete with terrible sweaters. The version that will be printed will also have, you know, Christmas card type "updates" and greetings and such.

Also, why does Donald Trump have a magazine, and who is going to read it?

Finally, I found a website where you can play weird versions of Duck Hunt (shooting the dogs with a machine gun, for instance) and this thing called "Mario Rampage" which shouldn't really be as satisfying as it actually is.

So the best thing I have going for me, apparently, is "daydreamer"

Psychological well-being is just a cardigan away!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

In a fit of drunken insomnia I decided to check out the current crop of online personality tests. Now, while I feel as if I'm lowering myself to the level of livejournal posts displaying "what care bear are you" results, I just have to share this "trait snapshot" (courtesy of similarminds.com), if only because it is HILARIOUSLY TERRIBLE. I mean, I'm a mess, but I'm not...I'm not THIS person, am I?

trait snapshot:

messy, irritable, fragile, worrying, emotionally sensitive, does not like to lead, phobic, weird, suspicious, low self control, paranoid, frequently second guesses self, dependent, unproductive, introverted, weak, strange, unassertive, submissive, rash, vain, anti-authority, heart over mind, low self concept, disorganized, not good at saving money, avoidant, daydreamer, unadventurous

I'm profoundly insulted right now! I mean, really, should "weak" really be included here? I got "strange" AND "weird?" What the hell!?

Oh well, sorry for the navel-gazing detour (although I am, it seems, "rash" and "vain," so what else could you expect?) - tomorrow I'll be back with pop culture or whatnot - promise.

Normally I'm very much against pet parades...

Dogs don't like t-shirts. Why can't people remember this?
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

...but, come on, this one kinda warms the cockles of your heart, don't it?

Why are there no great celebrity female artists?

Too scared to actually post one of Rosie's paintings.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Well, my buddy Captain Tall recently directed me to Rosie O'Donnell's personal web site. Now, the blog here, most of you have probably heard of. Last week, for instance, there was this "scandal" because Rosie said, on her blog, that Kirstie Alley was too fat, or not fat enough, or just fat, or something. Fat Hollywood should embrace its own, god dammit...

On her blogger profile her "answer a random question" thing is pretty telling:

Q: What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?

A: gay is ok - it's factory installed - like a sun roof - not much one can do about it - lefty, blue eyed, short, gay, freckles - it just is

Yep. Has nothing to do with anything. Or, maybe if you're born gay then that means that your camouflage would be skittles? Rosie, it's not that I'm arguing with you here, but come on, there must be better venues for that message. Seizing so aggressively upon the important opportunity of the "blogger random question" generator just smacks of desperation. At least put that shit in the interests section for christ's sake! Have some pride.

Anyway, for the most part these days the blog just seems to be lots of "poetry." Oh well. We all know that making fun of bad poetry is kinda played out these days.

But making fun of bad art NEVER gets old! Yee-Haw!

Check out the "art" section for some mixed-media wannabe-neo-dada goodness. In fact, these pictures did, actually, convince me that Basquiat isn't as overrated as I always thought he was...I mean, someone with this much time on their hands and this much money to invest in art supplies...and this is the best job they can do copying him? Impressive, no?

So I got inspired to check out a few other celebrity artists:

I found out that Sylvester Stallone is apparently some sort of art god (HELL no), Martin Mull's paintings are actually pretty fucking neat, and Jane Seymour needs to just stop. Also, Viggo Mortensen really needs to lighten up. Also, Billy Dee Williams can't not look cool.

Tribadism?

I think we know who this guy's muse is...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

My friend Elizabeth works in publishing in NYC and always has fantastic stories about the crap manuscripts she has to read. Recently she sent out this e-mail which IS REAL. In fact, it's so real that I'm changing the proper names in his book description since I don't want this guy google-ing the book title and, I don't know, coming after me or something - seriously, he's a scary fucking dude).

"Satire has come such a long way since the days of Lucilius and Horace.

Do note that the query included a mock-up of the website in
question...


'I am a professional author and educator who has been writing educational literature and fiction for 20 years. I would like to approach the publishing industry with several of my completed novels. Unfortunately, I have wasted nine months dealing with a questionable literary agency in Florida; I am now searching for a reputable agent.
I discovered your name on "agentquery.com," which Web site lists your agency as reliable and actively seeking new writers. The novel I wish to introduce is entitled [JUNEDAISY] DOT COM. A brief "blurb" is as follows:
------------------------------
Twelve-year-old twins [George] and [June] Summers decide to lose their virginity and that the safest way is to keep it all in the family. Unbeknownst to them, their sixteen-year-old sister [Daisy] gets the whole thing on video tape. Eleventh-grader [Daisy] is taking a film-making class and encourages her brother and sister to help her make a porno movie for her school project. One thing leads to another and they decide to cash in on the $11 billion-a-year porno industry and start a Web site featuring themselves.

New subscribers flock to [JuneDaisy].Com, paying $40 a month each for the opportunity to watch their sexual antics, and soon they are overwhelmed with business, barely staying ahead of the game. The money starts to roll in; business grows exponentially and they become the Internet's top-rated porno site.

Trouble starts when they decide to auction off an autographed pair of [Daisy]'s panties. Not only do their parents discover their enterprise, but also the school, the FBI, sleazy Internet predators, and an extreme right-wing Christian organization, all bent on shutting them down, throwing them in jail, expelling them, and condemning them to hell.

Join the [JuneDaisy] kids as they try to stay one step ahead of the authorities in this humorous look at love, relationships, teen sex, incest, tribadism, organized religion, and the porno industry.'"

Just when my hair had outgrown looking like Vince Neil's...

At least I don't have a lip ring, or face ring, or whatever that is.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Well, I found another dude with my haircut.

Meet Andy from "Fallout Boy." I saw him on a banner ad for Peta. By the way, the Peta website scares the crap out of me, but probably not for the reasons that they intend it to. Oh well, let me just say that somebody, I won't say who, is definitely having a hamster McMuffin for breakfast.

Complaining Time!

The minute I get rich I'm going to buy a whole bunch of these.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Although I have no one to blame for this other than myself, it is 4:23am and I am writing a paper for my classical epic class. This paper just won't die. I'm also running out of ways to procrastinate. On the upside, my typing-while-smoking skills just keep improving.

I hate Pennsylvania in the spring time.

Bust out the scuba gear, it's time to visit grandma's faux ancient temple...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

At the risk of sounding like a perpetually negative person (and we couldn't have that, could we) today is the first day that I've been cursing the warm weather here. The air gets so thick and muggy - I think because we're inland - at least at home we have an ocean breeze and fewer bugs. I just had an after-lunch cigarette in the Wharton courtyard and literally had a bumblebee land on my glasses. So not cool.

For Cyberculture we were told to visit this list of "online funeral" sites. No clue why. I did, however, find ATLANTIS - an undersea cemetary that apparently will look like the water temple from a Zelda game.

Atlantis will be a timeless celebration of all our accomplishments. People will commemorate loved ones living and departed, occasions great and small; Atlantis will hold and protect mementos of any and all of humanity's achievements.

Please read on and discover the multi-faceted reality of the new and eternal Atlantis!

Any other artistic movement, this wouldn't be appropriate...

I am also a pervert.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

I think I may have found the coolest book jacket ever.

Michael Gould, the author of Surrealism and the Cinema, (and an Arlo Guthrie lookalike) describes himself thusly on the back of his book:

"Michael Gould was born in Toronto, Canada on February 14, 1950. He is a graduate of the film department of that city's York University. After graduation he took off to discover the world (California, Mexico, Amsterdam, London), returning to Toronto to drive a taxi cab. He may now be somewhere in Morocco. He has yet to return."

As if that wasn't enough, check out the Amazon "customer reviews" of his book. This guy is fantastic.

Old cartoons are terrifying.

What?!
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

For a presentation in my film class tomorrow I've been watching cartoons from the 20's and earlier.

I took a few choice screen shots from them, so check them out on my flickr account if you'd like (click on one of the photos on this page).

This particular image is from "Dud Resolves Not to Smoke" I believe. I have no idea what "make Pittsburg look like a million dollars worth of sunshine" could possibly mean.

The early stop motion stuff is even more chilling. I actually don't really want to describe it. Just look at the photos, I suppose.

Single millionaires around the world rejoice!

Tell me that he doesn't look like a psychopath.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Apparently Fox is launching a 24 hour a day reality tv network. Anyone surprised?

While looking for other interesting stuff to put on here I found this kinda wacky transcript of Janice Dickinson on the since cancelled "On Air with Ryan Seacrest.":

Janice - Let's talk about her nnn, her breast

Ryan - no no no no no, ok this is going to be live folks, I can't, I don't know what is exactly going to happen, alot more show this half hour, let me break it down for one second

Janice - hit it, hit it hard babe

Ryan - One second

Janice - hit it hard

Still, it can't compare to Farrah on Letterman. Tried to find a transcript of that, but no dice.

Is it just me or...

I mean, I'm sure that he was a nice guy and all...
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

...isn't it kind of surprising how devastated everyone seems to be about the Pope dying? Not that people necessarily shouldn't be upset, or anything - I'm sure that the Pope was a really great or at least well-meaning person and, yeah, he was THE POPE, but, well, is anyone really that surprised by his death? But, I mean, these people that you see pictures of everywhere seem really really upset...oh well.

Excuses, Excuses...

I have to write a very long paper about this painting. That's how much my life sucks right now.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Well, first of all my keyboard is busted (someone spilled a beer on it, I think), so blogging, amongst other things, is more difficult these days. This is the cheapest mac compatable keyboard I could find (as opposed to the $29 official apple store one). It may be a while before I actually get around to buying the damn thing, though.

I also have several research presentations/papers due next week. For instance, I have to write something about this painting here...

Some things I have learned about this painting so far:

1. The skeleton had been painted over at some point and was only rediscovered a few years ago.

2. The costumes and evening setting of this painting suggest that the scene takes place on the night before lent. There's a dutch word to describe this night. It looks something like Volkdersoenzbichdzennacht.

3. I think I hate dutch art.

Also, writing about the intersection of feminist theory and art history makes you feel kind of like a hunted animal. No matter what way you decide to approach the project there's some very highly educated feminist art historian out there who has written a book or maybe even several books about how that particular method or attitude is either irresponsible or a plain old fashioned tool of The Man. I don't know how many intellectual knots I can tie myself up in before I just run off screaming to the kitchen to have some babies and bake a pie. Hey, if The Man wants art so badly he can have it. Whatever. I don't really mean that. Well...He can keep Dutch stuff, how about that? Impressionism, too.