Mighty Hermaphrodite

Last night at the dinner table I had to explain to my parents what a "hermaphrodite" was. My dad was very flustered because I had insinuated that Jamie Lee Curtis may, in fact, have been or may still be one. The following comment followed:

"Well, I don't care. She's still a fantastic actress and a wonderful looking woman, even if she is an afrodyke!"

And so ends my tenure here at Swarthbore.

I'm moving over to a new blog address. There are precious few changes (the counter goes back to zero, so I forever lose all the benefit of that "fat kid dragostea din te" business). It is yet another important step for me on this rocky road of coming to terms with graduating...I am no longer a college student...I am no longer Swarthbored...sigh...

Turns out I'm incredibly afraid of snakes.

Unfortunately the snake in my basement wasn't adorable.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Yesterday afternoon I was walking through my basement when I passed by a 3 foot long black snake. It took me so long to process this information that it wasn't until I was in the next room that I suddenly froze, realized that that was a pretty big fucking snake IN MY HOUSE, and just started screaming...because I'm a wuss, you see.

Since no one else in the family wanted to deal with the situation (including my 30 year old brother) we actually decided to call my 93 year old grandfather who, I should mention, we grew up referring to as "the man."

For instance, he customarily takes care of large wasp nests by hitting them with a baseball bat.

My personal favorite example, though, is how, only a couple years ago, he ran into a burglar in his kitchen one night. At the time my grandfather was completely nude and just up to get a glass of water. Apparently he immediately pounced upon this poor burglar who was barely able to crawl back out the window while an 87 year old naked man was wailing on him.



When my grandfather came over the first thing he said was "I don't get it, why don't you just pick the thing up and put it in a bag?" He was completely serious.

Anyway.

After my grandfather and I couldn't find it (and instead managed to find about three or four ashtrays I had hidden over the years), we had to call animal control (didn't even know "animal control" existed). Luckily this woman DID find it (behind a piano) and thought that it was "the biggest garter snake" she had ever seen.

So that was yesterday's excitement. I really need to find a job. Or buy a book.

Speaking of which I bought this for my dad for Father's Day. I think that I was so dazzled by the "cleverness" of the joke gift (he's a raging republican, you see) that I completely overlooked the fact that I actually just gave money to Ann Coulter. Ugh.

Also, I keep creating and then deleting new blogs to replace this one. So far there seem to be three leading candidates for names:

• Semiotics of the Bitchin'
• Annie Get Your Pun
• Neverland Raunch
  

Any input would be appreciated - or ideas. Shit, I really need ideas...obviously.

Got some problems with my name.

Like me, only hotter.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Right now my brother and my mother are outside painting a fence and I am definitely not helping. I am a terrible, horrible person.

Anyway. I was shoe shopping today at Zappos when I came across what may actually be the ugliest pair of shoes I have ever seen in my life. They're by this brand "Annie" which, I mean, it's almost just worth looking through their arsenal - it's pretty funny.



Now there's also this Norwegian indie-techno-pop star called Annie who is everywhere in spite of the fact that her music sucks. I bought into the hype...I illegally downloaded her album...Then I deleted it...I never delete music. I am an itunes packrat. She is that bad.

Anyway, this post is probably doing a damn good job of demonstrating how little I really have to think about these days...well, aside from "the future"...

Those of you who haven't already should check out this video of Tom Cruise essentially getting punk'd by this British tv show.

What does it mean to be Brit-Punk'd?

Well, it seems that it's like being normal punk'd only without Ashton Kutcher and its way more polite. Instead of Lindsey Lohan getting into a fistfight with some child actor in a doo rag who's calling her "a 'ho," here's there's just some british dude who squirts Tom Cruise with water and is then polite enough to listen to about 5 minutes of scolding and talking-down-to. Anyway, it's still satisfying.

Finally, when googling "Kimmie, Full House" (I had my reasons) I stumbled across this website. It plays out like a Dick & Jane book derived from footage of "Days of Our Lives."

Observe:

The mirror has two faces and so does this cat.

Cartman dances with the mariachi band.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Thanks to Dylan I'm no longer going to continually have nightmares where I just get attacked by normal kittens. Now I'm going to be dreaming about getting attacked by creepy two-faced cats. Great.

Today I cleaned out my room and threw away clothes for the first time in my life. This was a bit of a sobering experience, if only because I had to come face to face with about fifteen years of bad taste in clothing. So many "retro" polyester shirts...so many long denim skirts...and skorts...and a collection of polar fleece that is just god damned astounding.

I'm going to donate it all to the Salvation Army - which means that I'm probably going to run into some fat old lady in a Saugus Radio Shack about two years from now who, I'll barely be able to admit to myself, will be able to rock the cargo-veralls look like I never could.

Still no job. But you knew that already, didn't you?

As with most things in my life, however, I'm comforted by the fact that, even though I may be failing, I'm also not trying very hard at all to achieve. Boo-Yah.

Batman Begins was awesome by the way. Katie (excuse me, Kate) Holmes didn't even ruin it. Amazing.

That picture up there is from this episode of South Park where Cartman is obsessed with a Mexican restaurant called Casa Bonita where there are attractions such as cliff divers, mariachis, "black Bart's cave" and puppet shows. Turns out "Casa Bonita" is very real. I suppose that this is only funny if you've seen the South Park episode...



Have any of you seen the ads for "Welcome to the Neighborhood" on ABC? Oh dear lord, I mean, watching it I could just hear hundreds of media studies students' heads exploding. My favorite moment in the ad is when the irritating white middle-america types decide that the family covered in Tatoos is alright because they're die-hard republicans. This show is going to be disgusting. I can't WAIT.

Where modern dance, robots and the humor of an 11 year old boy finally meet.

Not entirely different from some stuff I've seen Martha Graham do.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

So I've been watching more tv. Also I've been applying to a couple jobs that I probably have no hope of getting. Please MFA, Boston - a phone call, just one phone call would make me feel so much better about life. I wrote you such a nice cover letter - my resume was so typo-free - I'm so very barely qualified!

And as I said I've been watching more tv.

This morning on "Attack of the Show" - which is, yes, on G4, the video game cable network (shame. SHAME!) I did see something very funny.

Apparently NASA has developed robot skin (FINALLY) that can sense infared something or other and...well, I don't really care. What IS great about this is that they decided to make quite the captivating video to show off this technology. Why the ballet dancer? Why the phallic robot (phallobot 2000)? Why robot skin in the first place? Why does NASA still exist? Why won't anybody hire my sorry ass?

If only Jermaine could think of a new blog title for me...

I couldn't find a G-Rated picture of LaToya.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

Excerpt from an article on the Michael Jackson trial in this month's Vanity Fair:

"Jackie, the eldest [Jackson] son, once suffered a broken leg when his first wife ran over him with a car after having caught him in bed with the singer Paula Abdul. Jermaine, a convert to Islam, has a girlfriend and two wives, one of whom, Alejandra, is in the process of divorcing him. She has one child, Jermajesty, with Jermaine and two with Jermaine's brother Randy, to whom she was engaged before Jermaine stole her away."

I just can't let go...

Yet another poorly timed hangover.
Originally uploaded by swarthbore.

...of Swarthbore. I'm having one hell of a time coming up with a new blog title. I blame Disney World - either the Florida heat or the sheer amount of "enchantment"... or maybe a combination of the two killed whatever brain cells survived these past 4 years of liberal arts hedonism.

There's a picture from my graduation. I'm not in it.

I'm also putting in a couple photos from Disney.



...as it turns out, EpcotGermany's beer garden really did make my dreams come true.



Oh, and here's a photo from "High Tension" this French horror movie that Brian and I saw yesterday. Don't see this movie. Really, it's just twisted, and not even in the good way. This is coming from a person who two days ago couldn't even conceive of something which would be "twisted in the bad way," but trust me, this movie is the kind of mind fuck that you actually really don't want.



The least disturbing death in the movie was when the 5 year old boy in the cowboy costume got shot in a cornfield with a massive shotgun. Ponder that.

Finally, I am really seriously beginning to worry that the "getting boring after graduating" process is working on me much more quickly than I had originally expected. Christ. This is scary shit.