Pineapple Head vs. Apple Head
Not in the mood for bitching about my life right now. How about I start this by talking about a current obsession of mine: Adam Duritz's hair.
If you're wondering who the fuck that is, well, then, bravo to you. He's the lead singer of Counting Crows. I'm going to go ahead and explain that I had to use google to get his name, but you probably don't believe me anyhow. If you're wondering who the Counting Crows are, well, you're lying. 1993. Mr. Jones. It's terrible, but you remember it.
At the risk of summoning back bad memories of the pop of ages past, ponder this for a moment: when you think "Counting Crows" what is the first image that comes into your head? That guy's dreads, right? Come on, it was a nerdy jewish dude with a pineapple on his head - everyone notices that sort of thing.
Well, prepare to have your mind blown. They were fake.
There are many reasons why this is both important and amusing:
1. Fake dreads are inherently ridiculous.
2. Dreads on white people are inherently ridiculous.
3. Even when we naively assumed that his hair was real, back in that age of ignorance, it was abundantly clear that the entire 'do was a desperate and unsuccessful stab in the dark for whatever scraps of cred that Counting Crows could claim as their own. Knowing that they are, and always have been, hair extensions, means that this already preposterously lame band is even lamer. It's like finding out that the members of Green Day are republicans, that Hootie was actually white. Mixed with your natural reaction of "I don't give a fuck" you should consider the fact that the boundaries of the known universe of "lameness" have finally been expanded. That which we once thought was the ultimate pinnacle of lame has now been surpassed! Consider the implications.
4. Adam Duritz dated Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is(/was/who cares) married to Brad Pitt. Now, logic isn't my strong suit, but let's assume that this means that Adam Duritz and Brad Pitt are in the same "league." This means, I believe, that ANY of you reading this blog right now could conceivably be in the same league as Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
5. What other amazing revelations am I missing every minute that I'm NOT watching VH1?
So that covers pineapple head for the time being. I'm probably going to return to this issue (and consequently, probably none of you will return to this website), if only to ponder whether or not that fugly dude from NSYNC will join Adam Duritz in that circle of hell Dante reserved for those who submitted to the temptation of the fake dread.
Speaking of people going to hell, has anyone else been keeping up with this Michael Jackson thing?
"Jackson's bathroom, where he apparently spends quality time, yielded all sorts of interesting items, including open bottles of Jack Daniels and Pinot Noir, a book 'containing nude photographs of men,' two nude art magazines, and three 'books containing nude photos in plastic bag.' Othe assorted items scooped by the raiding party were a 'book containing pictures of children on a beach,' a photo inscribed 'To Apple Head,' a letter addressed 'Dear Apple Head,' commercially produced photographs of a semi-nude girl, and a Liza Minnelli Christmas invitation."
( from http://www.thesmokinggun.com/michaeljackson/010605jacksonhouse.html )
The heebie-jeebies induced by the nickname "Apple Head" and the very mention of Liza Minelli is totally offset by the presence of the open bottle of Jack. Makes you kinda want to give him a hug, right? I mean, at least Apple Head drinks like an Apple Man.
Maybe I've lost you here, but if I at least leave you with the image of Michael Jackson watching porn and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels, well, then mission accomplished.
If you're wondering who the fuck that is, well, then, bravo to you. He's the lead singer of Counting Crows. I'm going to go ahead and explain that I had to use google to get his name, but you probably don't believe me anyhow. If you're wondering who the Counting Crows are, well, you're lying. 1993. Mr. Jones. It's terrible, but you remember it.
At the risk of summoning back bad memories of the pop of ages past, ponder this for a moment: when you think "Counting Crows" what is the first image that comes into your head? That guy's dreads, right? Come on, it was a nerdy jewish dude with a pineapple on his head - everyone notices that sort of thing.
Well, prepare to have your mind blown. They were fake.
There are many reasons why this is both important and amusing:
1. Fake dreads are inherently ridiculous.
2. Dreads on white people are inherently ridiculous.
3. Even when we naively assumed that his hair was real, back in that age of ignorance, it was abundantly clear that the entire 'do was a desperate and unsuccessful stab in the dark for whatever scraps of cred that Counting Crows could claim as their own. Knowing that they are, and always have been, hair extensions, means that this already preposterously lame band is even lamer. It's like finding out that the members of Green Day are republicans, that Hootie was actually white. Mixed with your natural reaction of "I don't give a fuck" you should consider the fact that the boundaries of the known universe of "lameness" have finally been expanded. That which we once thought was the ultimate pinnacle of lame has now been surpassed! Consider the implications.
4. Adam Duritz dated Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston is(/was/who cares) married to Brad Pitt. Now, logic isn't my strong suit, but let's assume that this means that Adam Duritz and Brad Pitt are in the same "league." This means, I believe, that ANY of you reading this blog right now could conceivably be in the same league as Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
5. What other amazing revelations am I missing every minute that I'm NOT watching VH1?
So that covers pineapple head for the time being. I'm probably going to return to this issue (and consequently, probably none of you will return to this website), if only to ponder whether or not that fugly dude from NSYNC will join Adam Duritz in that circle of hell Dante reserved for those who submitted to the temptation of the fake dread.
Speaking of people going to hell, has anyone else been keeping up with this Michael Jackson thing?
"Jackson's bathroom, where he apparently spends quality time, yielded all sorts of interesting items, including open bottles of Jack Daniels and Pinot Noir, a book 'containing nude photographs of men,' two nude art magazines, and three 'books containing nude photos in plastic bag.' Othe assorted items scooped by the raiding party were a 'book containing pictures of children on a beach,' a photo inscribed 'To Apple Head,' a letter addressed 'Dear Apple Head,' commercially produced photographs of a semi-nude girl, and a Liza Minnelli Christmas invitation."
( from http://www.thesmokinggun.com/michaeljackson/010605jacksonhouse.html )
The heebie-jeebies induced by the nickname "Apple Head" and the very mention of Liza Minelli is totally offset by the presence of the open bottle of Jack. Makes you kinda want to give him a hug, right? I mean, at least Apple Head drinks like an Apple Man.
Maybe I've lost you here, but if I at least leave you with the image of Michael Jackson watching porn and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels, well, then mission accomplished.
posted by Annie at 1:48 PM
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